I wont be posting for a little while - hopefully only a month or something..
And it is out of respect to my family.
I cannot justify to myself hanging out in here given what I have just put my family through.. and so I will go on a wee sabbatical.
What happened?
As is my history, I did something very stupid; something like russian roulette involving substances. I'm on a very old antidepressant which has too many contraindications to list; but a chief one is that cough syrup containing dxm - even just a spoonful of the dxm containing syrup - can be lethal.
Being who I am - having my tendencies, whatever - I drank a whole 200 mls bottle of dxm containing cough syrup. First time I did this while on this particular antidepressant I just passed out; second time I was fine; but this friday passed the bullet was in the chamber and I nearly died.
Believe it or not, I love my family intensely.. and when my brother whom I share an apartment with saw I was deteriorating he called my folks and an ambulance.
My father had to watch his son being resuscitated (i was not breathing - dont know the correct medical term) twice and being put in an induced coma and had to listen to doctors tell him that when/if I awoke I may be brain damaged because of the degree to which my body temperature rose and the oxygen that was not entering my brain.
I only have a few flashbacks; one that breaks my heart is hearing my father's voice asking me to "please breathe; come back to me son" repeatedly.
I dont remember pretty much anything except for my father's voice and his pleading with me to please breathe.
obviously i survived - courtesy of the breathing tubes and all the shit they pumped into my neck and arm veins etc.. and God (which is just a synonym for family love).
I will never forgive myself for what i have done; and i think my brother, father, and mother are a little destroyed. understandably my folks want a break from me; god knows what the experience has really done to my brother and father especially.
So there it is: the great ascendant boban made his father and brother and mother watch him oh so very nearly die; so that the genius humorist could robotrip and indulge his suicidal tendencies.
I hope to be allowed to spend the weekend at my folks, and spend some time with them; but im not sure if my father will be up to it; and i will never know what it is he experienced unless god forbid i find myself in his position one day; it hurts too much to think about what happened; my brother is a closed book - he is treating me the same as always - but i know that he loves me exactly as I love him, so i can safely guess that he is feeling desolate right now.
If a mod could lock this thread that would be appreciated - i just needed to express myself as i cannot really talk about this with anyone else;
and also, hopefully this will make another person think true when they contemplate something as selfish and evil as i contemplated and followed through with.
I cannot bring myself to write this properly as it is too hard.. but you have the basic outline.
I'll post again after i feel that my family has sufficiently recovered; otherwise i would feel like even more evil than i do now; doing something i really enjoy (posting in wwe), while my family is decimated.
Just so you, my buddies know..
And it is out of respect to my family.
I cannot justify to myself hanging out in here given what I have just put my family through.. and so I will go on a wee sabbatical.
What happened?
As is my history, I did something very stupid; something like russian roulette involving substances. I'm on a very old antidepressant which has too many contraindications to list; but a chief one is that cough syrup containing dxm - even just a spoonful of the dxm containing syrup - can be lethal.
Being who I am - having my tendencies, whatever - I drank a whole 200 mls bottle of dxm containing cough syrup. First time I did this while on this particular antidepressant I just passed out; second time I was fine; but this friday passed the bullet was in the chamber and I nearly died.
Believe it or not, I love my family intensely.. and when my brother whom I share an apartment with saw I was deteriorating he called my folks and an ambulance.
My father had to watch his son being resuscitated (i was not breathing - dont know the correct medical term) twice and being put in an induced coma and had to listen to doctors tell him that when/if I awoke I may be brain damaged because of the degree to which my body temperature rose and the oxygen that was not entering my brain.
I only have a few flashbacks; one that breaks my heart is hearing my father's voice asking me to "please breathe; come back to me son" repeatedly.
I dont remember pretty much anything except for my father's voice and his pleading with me to please breathe.
obviously i survived - courtesy of the breathing tubes and all the shit they pumped into my neck and arm veins etc.. and God (which is just a synonym for family love).
I will never forgive myself for what i have done; and i think my brother, father, and mother are a little destroyed. understandably my folks want a break from me; god knows what the experience has really done to my brother and father especially.
So there it is: the great ascendant boban made his father and brother and mother watch him oh so very nearly die; so that the genius humorist could robotrip and indulge his suicidal tendencies.
I hope to be allowed to spend the weekend at my folks, and spend some time with them; but im not sure if my father will be up to it; and i will never know what it is he experienced unless god forbid i find myself in his position one day; it hurts too much to think about what happened; my brother is a closed book - he is treating me the same as always - but i know that he loves me exactly as I love him, so i can safely guess that he is feeling desolate right now.
If a mod could lock this thread that would be appreciated - i just needed to express myself as i cannot really talk about this with anyone else;
and also, hopefully this will make another person think true when they contemplate something as selfish and evil as i contemplated and followed through with.
I cannot bring myself to write this properly as it is too hard.. but you have the basic outline.
I'll post again after i feel that my family has sufficiently recovered; otherwise i would feel like even more evil than i do now; doing something i really enjoy (posting in wwe), while my family is decimated.
